I'm trying to keep it together.

My parents are divorcing. I didn't think it was gonna be that rough on me. But it's so much worse than I could have ever imagined it being. I'm choosing to live with my dad. So is my little sister. My other sister is living with my mom. My days consist of me listening to my dad trash talk my mom, calling her names like whore, druggie. And every other thing in the book. I sit up at night making sure he's okay, and making sure he's sleeping in an appropriate place, not the table like he usually does. They fight, all the time. They call each other just to scream at each other. My sister isn't getting along with my dad, at all. They fight too. All the time. Basically, my life sucks right now. And I can't take it anymore. I'm about to lose it and break down.

Lindsey, Rest In Peace.♥

Dear Lindsey,
It's August 23rd, 5 months and 14 days since the world lost you. We all still miss you, more and more each day. We'll never get to know what you were thinking the day you went through with suicide, all we can hope is you've found peace with yourself and your decision, and that you're in the place you've always wanted to be.
I wish I could have more answers, like why? Why did you do that? What were you thinking that night? What things were bothering you so badly that that's what you chose to do? Nobody here will ever know just exactly what happened. Or why you did it. But we hope you've found heaven, and I hope you're having a lot of fun there.
I miss you so much, girl. I know, at the time of your death, we hadn't been as close. And it makes me feel terrible. I should have been there for you more. Way more than I was. Maybe if I had been, you would still be here. We wish you would have just talked to someone, anyone, when you were feeling so depressed. We all would have helped you, in a heartbeat we would have.
You always knew what to say to people when something was wrong. You cared about everyone else so much, a lot more than you cared about yourself. That was one of the most amazing qualities about, and in the end it proved to be one of your downfalls.. You cared so much about everyone else being happy, that your own happiness didn't matter to you.
I go see you as much as I can. And every time it's not any easier, because the girl I've shared so many laughs with... I now have to go to a cemetery to see.
Lindsey, I know you never meant to hurt anyone. But you hurt so many people who loved you so much when you chose to do what you did. But we all still love you, because we know how much pain you were caused in your life. We just wish you could have told us. You left behind a lot of people who cared about you and loved you. Just about everyone did. But we still love you, Lindsey. And we always will. Don't you worry, you will never ever be forgotten. Ever.♥
I remember every memory I have with you, Lindsey. And those ones are the ones I'll remember forever. I wish you were still here so we could make more. We always had fun when we were together, always. Haha. Like in gym class, and the horse sweater. Not doing our Research 9 work, and doing quizzes on the internet instead. "How emo are you?" "What hairstyle fits you best?" You were TOTALLY emo. Hahaha. (: And the blue balls in gym class. HAHAHAHAHA. I will never forget that conversation. When we decided that girls need their own special toilet to pee in since boys have one for them. SO UNFAIR. We were gonna invent one.. We can't now.. I wish we could.♥
You will never be forgotten, Linds. I promise. Pinky swear. And you are welcome to visit me anytime you'd like.
I miss you so much Lindsey. So much. We all do.
I love you, girl. ♥
Stay beautiful, babydoll.
Sami. ♥

Cross The Line

Cross the line if;
In the past year you've been in a relationship and been hurt.
You come from a family of four or more children.
You have low self-esteem.
You would like to lose ten or more pounds.
You feel physically unattractive.
You feel lonely.
Your parents have ever divorced, seperated, or never married.
You have experienced the effects of drug addiction in your family.
You have had a sexual experience in which you regretted.
You have experienced suicidal thoughts in your life.
A family member or close friend has died.
You feel like your friends don't like you as much as they like their other friends.
If you're tired of putting on a fake smile for everyone.

If you really knew me.

If you really knew me, you would know;
I started cutting myself in seventh grade. I didn't stop completely until the end of ninth grade. I found out about my parents pill problem when I was in seventh grade, too. Pain killers. I've starved myself and made myself throw up because I didn't feel good enough anymore, and it was something I had control of. It made me feel good. You would know that my dad a mental disorders. You would know a lot of nights are spent watching him nod off because he's depressed again, too depressed to even stay awake. You would know I watch him spend his entire day sad and pacing around, a lot. I've seen him go off of his medicine, and go completely insane. I've heard him threaten suicide more times than I can count; I took the gun out of his hand that he was gonna shoot himself with. He's had a gun to my mom, and himself. He's been in a mental hospital three times so far. He's 38. Yet, still, even after all of that, I still love him more than anything in this world. You would also know that I've written three suicide letters in my life. I've seriously considered suicide. You might know that I lost a friend to suicide in March 2011. I've cried myself to sleep way more than my share of nights. I was there the night my dad was on a rampage, I saw him grab ahold of my mom. I've had to tell her to call the police, just to make him stop. Sometimes, people see me on the outside and judge me for being the way I am. But they don't know any of that, do they? They don't know that I have to go to school everyday and pretend it's all okay, even when it's not. I've turned to pot to make it go away. If people took one step in my shoes, they wouldn't survive a week of it. In time I learned to not judge a book by it's cover, because you never know what someone has been through.

Here Goes Nothin'.

I'm Sami. My life isn't perfect. I hope people will read this, because I'm trying really hard on it. All I wanna do is be able to tell people about my life, and how it really is. And why people shouldn't judge people on what they do and are. I wanna tell people about what I've been through and why I am the way I am.